Häbelikkus

Järjekordne huvitav artikkel ajakirjast Psychology Today.
Tõlkida ma kahjuks ei viitsi, aga tooksin ära paar punkti, mis mulle huvi pakkusid:

- Ikka ja jälle loen, et suhtlemine hoiab vaimset ja füüsilist vormi, vähendab stressi. Seda juba ammu kuulnuna sundisin ma end aastaid suhtlema... Vaimse vormi kohta ma ei tea, aga füüsiline vorm on mul praegu vist küll senise elu parim - olen mõned jooga-harjutused välja vahetanud, kuna senised ei pakkunud mu lihastele enam mingit pinget - ja ma ei tea, kuidas selle stressiga on, aga paha tuju küll pole ammu olnud. Tõsi - mu laps istuks vist hommikust õhtuni minu voodis, nii et ma tunnen pidevalt, et olen üle-suhelnud. Nüüd on ta loobunud unejutust ja mängutunnist, et saaks selle ajal rääkida, süles olla, kallistada ja hullata........ Võibolla on see lähenevast sünnipäevast - ta ei taha suureks saada.

- Häbelikud inimesed näivad ootavat tõrjumist - nad eeldavad, et ei meeldi teistele. Psühhiaater ka otsis seda arvamust minust, aga ma ei saa aru, miks peaks keegi üldse minust midagi arvama... Enda arvates ma küll ei eelda, et ma ei meeldi teistele... miks ma üldse peaks meeldima või mitte meeldima, eh?

- Kuigi paljud inimesed peavad oma häbelikkust piinavaks ja vangistavaks, on üks võimalus sellest üle saamiseks ennast sellisena aktsepteerida - 'emmata' oma häbelikkust :-D

- Sugugi mitte kõik häbelikud pole arglikud ja meeldidapüüdvad. On selline punt, keda siin kutsutakse 'küüniliselt häbelikeks' - need vihkavad teisi inimesi, kuna nemad end 'teiste inimeste tõttu' halvasti ja ebakompetentselt tunnevad. Selle peale ma pole mõelnudki... küüniline häbelikkus, hm, hm.

- Häbelikud inimesed soovivad samu asju mis teised ja on üldse samasugused nagu teised inimesed - kuid nad on aeglasemad. Nad avanevad aeglasemalt, nad sõbrunevad aeglasemalt jne. (õu-nõu, see kõlab nagu vaimupuue.)

- Elu läheb üha kiiremaks, peenutsemiseks ja diplomaatiaks pole enam aega, seega ilmutavad inimeste isiksused end virtuaalmaailmas ja üha intensiivsemalt. Kui me ei pea kohtuma ja pikaajalist suhet looma nendega, kellega me internetis (suhtlemis)asju ajame, siis on palju kergem nähvata, kritiseerida ja halvustada. Seda tunnevad arvatavasti küll paljud blogijad... mina olen kindlasti päriselus paaaalju taktitundelisem. Siin on mul tõesti tunne, nagu ma üksi räägiks, hilisemale iseendale võibolla (samas ma tean, et ma pastakaga kirjutatud päevikuid lugeda ei viitsi; blogiga on see hea asi, et vähemalt fotod on tekstide juures ja ajaliselt paigas - see teeb blogi kohe palju huvitavamaks).

- Ka häbelikud inimesed võivad endast internetis jätta ekstraverdi mulje. Vale mulje jätmine on halb, kuna 'kogu sotsiaalne elu rajaneb usaldusel'. Tjah... eks ta ole...

- Hiljutistest uurimustest on selgunud, et need inimesed, kes teistele kõige rohkem meeldivad, on tugeva enesekontrolliga emotsioonide osas. Nad ei ignoreeri negatiivset infot, kuid suhtlussituatsioonis pööravad nad tähelepanu pigem ühendavale ja meeldivale. Absoluutselt õige tegu, muidu on ju jama suhelda... Just täna lugesin, kuidas üks noor naine mässas vastiku šovinistliku küsitlejaga... - ega sellistega ei saagi ju ehedalt ja avalalt rääkida, siis solvud ja hakkad nutma ju. Õudikuid ikka jagub, kuid nagu ma lapsele pidevalt räägin: see, kui halvasti teised käituvad, on 100% nende probleem ja jääb nende hingele - sinu enda käitumise üle aga otsustad sina ja ainult sina - kui käitud halvasti, ära süüdista sellest teisi, nemad on süüdi selles, et nemad käitusid halvasti, mitte sinu halvas käitumises.

Ma ei teagi, ühesõnaga, kas ma olen häbelik. Enda arvates pole, aga mingid nähud viitavad häbelikkusele... noh, ei tea. Aga selge on see, et oma häbelikkusega - kui seda üldse on - ma hädas pole, sest kaheksat sammu häbelikkusest üle saamiseks ma küll lugeda ei viitsinud. Milleks sellest üle saada? :-) Mis seal mujal nii uvitavat on, et peaks oma kookonist välja tulema?

Siin siis ingliskeelsed lõigud ja natuke statistikat:

* At the core of our existence as human beings lies a powerful drive to be with other people. There is much evidence that in the absence of human contact people fall apart physically and mentally; they experience more sickness, stress and suicide than well-connected individuals. For all too many people, however, shyness is the primary barrier to that basic need.

* Traditionally, shyness is viewed as an intrapersonal problem, arising within certain individuals as a result of characteristics such as excessive self-consciousness, low self-esteem and anticipation of rejection.

* In addition, our research has led us to conclude that there is nothing at all wrong with being shy. Certainly shyness can control people and make them ineffective in classroom, social and business situations. Respondents told us that they feel imprisoned by their shyness. It is this feeling that seems to be at the core of their pain. But ironically, we find that the way to break out of the prison of shyness may be to embrace it thoroughly. There are many steps the shy can take to develop satisfying relationships without violating their basic nature.

* The Cynically Shy

"My shyness has caused major problems in my personal/social life. I have a strong hate for most people. I also have quite a superiority complex. I see so much stupidity and ignorance in the world that I feel superior to virtually everyone out there. I'm trying [not to], but it's hard."

Of the many voices of shy individuals we "heard" in response to our survey, one in particular emerged very clearly. Among the new patterns our analysis identified was a group I call the cynically shy. These are people who have been rejected by their peers because of their lack of social skills. They do not feel connected to others -- and they are angry about it. They feel a sense of alienation.

Their isolation discourages them from having a sense of empathy, and this leads them to dehumanize others and take revenge against them.

* One of the solutions to shyness is a greater understanding of its internal dynamics. It is important to note that a critical feature of shyness is a slowness to warm up. Shy people simply require extra time to adjust to novel or stressful situations, including even everyday conversations and social gatherings.

They also need more time to master the developmental hurdles of life. The good news is that shy people eventually achieve everything that everyone else does -- they date, marry, have children. The bad news is, it takes them a little longer.

* We are also undergoing "interpersonal disenfranchisement." Simply put, we are disconnecting from one another. Increasingly, we deal with the hyperculture cacophony by cocooning -- commuting home with headphones on while working on our laptops. We go from our cubicle to the car to our gated community, maintaining contact with only a small circle of friends and family. As other people become just e-mail addresses or faceless voices at the other end of electronic transactions, it becomes easier and easier to mistreat and disrespect them. The cost of such disconnection is a day-to-day loss of civility and an increase in rudeness. And, again, the shy pay. They are the first to be excluded, bullied or treated in a hostile manner.

As we approach the limits of our ability to deal with the complexities of our lives, we begin to experience a state of anxiety. We either approach or avoid. And, indeed, we are seeing both phenomena -- a polarization of behavior in which we see increases in both aggression, marked by a general loss of manners that has been widely observed, and in withdrawal, one form of which is shyness.

* The danger of electronic extroversion is that anonymity makes it easy for the shy to misrepresent themselves and to deceive others, violating the trust that is the foundation of social life.

* Recently, studies have found that people who are the most well-liked also have a firm handle on their emotions. It isn't that they internalize all their negative feelings. Instead, they shift attention away from distressing stimuli toward positive aspects of a situation. In other words, they have excellent coping skills.


SHYNESS SURVEY

•64% of shy individuals view their shyness as a result of external factors beyond their control, such as early family experiences, over protective parents or peer victimization.
•24% attribute shyness to internal factors within their control, such as intrapersonal difficulties, like low self-esteem and high self-consciousness, or interpersonal difficulties, like poor social skills and dating difficulties.
•62% experience feelings of shyness daily.
•82% report shyness as an undesirable experience.
Types of Individuals who make the shy feel shy:

•75% strangers
•71% persons of the opposite sex, in a group
•65% persons of the opposite sex, one-on-one
•56% persons of the same sex, in a group
•45% relatives, other than immediate family
•38% persons of the same sex, one-on-one
•22% their parents
•20% siblings
•46% believe their shyness can be overcome.
•7.2% do not believe their shyness can be overcome.
•85% are willing to work seriously at overcoming shyness.